Right People, Right Thoughts, Right Actions: Choosing the right forms of support
Leadership training always suggests that you develop a support network.
Well, I am always suggesting this to people. That’s because support is a superpower – a capability and capacity boost, a correction when you’re heading in the wrong direction, and power base when you need to escalate.
Support networks are also those things that you shouldn’t wait until you are desperately in need of help before you start developing.
But not all forms of support are right for everyone. In fact, there are helpful and downright unhelpful forms of support – and they’re not always how they first appear.
So how do you form the right kinds of support? Let’s dive in.
1. Be deliberate
Support networks should be intentional. Deliberately develop contacts and connections from various areas of expertise so that you can call on them for support when, or if, you want it.
Sometimes it may not even be because you need help; you might just want another viewpoint. If your support people are really good at what they do, then they will likely welcome your approach and share knowledge pretty freely, usually out of the joy they have for their own work. Later when you need to actually employ help, you have the relationship already established – and a wider network of contact that they can probably refer you to.
2. Know what support you need
I had a client reach for me to support a mediation. They were dealing with a conflict between two people – one that was immobilising a team, and was heading towards becoming a legal matter.
“Can you sit down with these two people?” they asked me.
“No” I said. Firstly, I am not qualified as a mediator. Although this is a valid form of support to reach for, I wouldn’t want to be sitting between two conflicting parties without understanding the wider picture of the conflict.
Upon a broader investigation, we found systems issues, training issues, governance issues and personal issues. When the whole picture was considered, conflict between the two parties was inevitable, preventable, and redirectable.
Fortunately, we had a successful outcome; the learnings were actioned, and the parties moved forward responsibly from the conflict. And the majority of the corrections and changes made were not in fact connected to the two parties in conflict, but people in wider roles of support.
The lesson: take the time to investigate the broader systemic issues behind an issue before taking action against the blame game. Treat whatever is taking place as an anecdote for learning for the many parties, and bring in help that can view it from this broader perspective. Take the time to investigate what help is actually needed. My coaching support is often centred predominantly on this first step – identifying the necessary steps to move forward – and then engaging the right advice or help needed only when its fully understood. This approach not only addresses the immediate issue, but goes some way towards future prevention and wider organisational improvement.
3. Find the experts
Someone recently asked me about a colleague experiencing massive stress, and I asked what they had done already. “I’ve been coaching them to use mediation apps,” they said. After a bit of enquiry, it became clear that this person was ignoring the medical advice of their professionals, and instead looking for a short cut.
My advice was to clarify the medical advice they’ve been given, and then, from their domain of influence, look at the wider systemic factors that may be contributing to their challenges.
If you know what your issue is, then find someone who is highly skilled in that area. People often reach for those closest or most comfortable to them, but this can be compromising for both parties: they will try to help each other, but often lack the expertise – and then become part of the issue.
Whether it’s experts in medical or mental health, financial matters, legal, marketing, family harm, etc. etc. etc. – these fields have immense levels of specialist training, and you need to follow responsible advice on the real issues. The attempts of help from your nearest and dearest might be full of love, but not what a person really would benefit from.
4. Watch for your own biases and habits
The other week, a friend asked for support in reaching out to a colleague with an alcohol dependency issue. I commended their intention, and asked what they planned to do.
Their answer? “Take them out for a beer and raise it with them…”.
Do I need to explain this issue in this? In my experience, when helping someone with alcohol issues, it takes kindness, patience, specialist support – and more than anything else, a commitment by those around them not to empower their alcohol use. The best you can do is have the honest and loving conversation, and get them to an expert in this area if they are willing – not enable their drinking.
I find people often seek advice from those that are comfortable with, and will likely, in some way or another, reinforce the direction of the decision making they already prefer to go. So try not to go to people who will agree and support your weakness, but those who know you well enough to show up and challenge you with the care, support and honesty you actually need.
5: Don’t hand away your responsibility
I had someone explain an anecdote where they almost bankrupted their business after taking advice from their lawyer.
“Why would you take advice you didn’t feel good about?” I asked.
“But they are a lawyer,” was the defence.
Advice is great when you are faced with a challenging situation, but you’ll soon learn there are many differing legal viewpoints, creative viewpoints, financial viewpoints, commercial viewpoints, and so on. Your responsibility is to gather the informed viewpoints you need, and then make the decision yourself.
As a leader, you can delegate authority, but you do not get to give away responsibility.
6. Don’t stop at the first obstacle
One of the areas I often find people need more support is at home. Yet despite expressing overwhelm at the juggle, they stop at the first obstruction. For example, they won’t hire childcare, because they don’t trust someone else with their child, or they won’t hire a cleaner because they believe the standard won’t be what they want.
Many people stop there, but there are so many other options. For example, you can have a nanny care for a child while you remain on the premises, and you can stay near for as long as you want, or until you feel good about it. You can find a cleaner willing to be trained in exactly how you want your home supported. If you genuinely would like help, then you’ll find that you can work around most obstructions. And then you’ll soon find that the help is an improvement to your life, and not a trade-off.
Fundamentally, the help and support you establish around you should be designed to enhance your capability and your capacity, and make life the bit more enjoyable. Get the right help, and you can focus more on the areas where you can really add the best value.
Bringing it together
The right support network is a powerful thing – but it should be formed deliberately, based on the support you need and the expertise of the people in your network. The right people will also help you remain aware of your own biases and habits, and help you take responsibility for your decisions.
Remember, the goal is not just to solve immediate issues, but also to prevent future ones and improve wider systems. Ultimately, the right support allows you to focus more on areas where you can add the most value, making life more enjoyable and fulfilling.
So, ask yourself: Are you asking for the right support from the right people? If not, it’s never too late to start.
